


One Last Time

by goldhowler



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Acceptance, Melancholy, Pain, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 02:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10889985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldhowler/pseuds/goldhowler
Summary: After the war Cassian's wings are ruined beyond repair and that is not how he can continue living.





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> I felt bad, melancholic, sad.. so I did this to get it out of my system, I'm sorry.

The pain has become ever-present - the constant reminder that something went wrong, that he would never be the same anymore. Cassian could still see the gruesome images in his head whenever he closed his eyes, hear the soldiers screaming in the rage of the battle and agony of the wounded. He could still feel the cracking of his bones even though they were long healed, leaving only the dull ache as a reminder and steel cutting through his skin in places where he would only find faded scars now. This was all too familiar - he has been a warrior for centuries after all.

There was one thing he never considered – not out of cockiness and the feeling that it could never happen to him in a million years, no. The reason for it was that whenever those thoughts crept into his mind, fear would seize him. Fear for the one thing that made him stronger, yet so vulnerable. Not once during those five hundred years has he thought this day would come and he would lose the ability to fly for good, that those powerful, beautiful wings of his would suddenly become only a deadweight. But now that has become his reality and he knew he would never feel the soft membranes sliding through the air, carrying him wherever he desired. 

They have saved Prythian from the King of Hybern. They have protected his beloved city of Velaris, but not before he nearly fell by the hand of their enemy. Right there and then, he would gladly give his life for the cause, the knowledge that he contributed towards the defeat of the threat would be enough to let him leave with peace in his heart. There were things he never managed to do, such as find his true heart mate and father a child, but that seemed completely irrelevant in that moment. The only important thing was that they were all safe. That they would live with a memory of him falling for his beliefs, for his High Lord and Lady, for his friends. 

When he opened his eyes after the battle, safe and healing in the infirmary, he wasn’t completely sure if he was already dead or still alive. Strange dreams haunted him. Dreams of him being chained to the ground while the others were up in the sky and he was calling after them until his voice was hoarse but they couldn’t hear him. After he regained consciousness it took one look at the two of his closest friends to realize that the nightmare has become the part of his reality and in that second, the thought cleaved through his entire being. He should have died and it would be much more merciful than what awaited him. 

Thick scar tissue ran through the joint of one of them, not allowing him to fully expand nor fold it neatly on his back. Instead, it stuck out awkwardly so everyone knew instantly that this was an injury beyond repair. If the King snapped the bone it would have been entirely different story. But he knew what he was doing when he targeted the joint, shattering it to million pieces with his abomination of a magic. The other wing hadn’t been spared as well, the end of it sticking out at an unnatural angle from where the King stamped down on it. He must have felt the bone snapping underneath his boot. 

x

It’s been a few weeks since then. They have all came back to Velaris, everyone slowly getting back to their routine. Well, everyone except Cassian. He couldn’t. His personality, his entire world shrunk into the broken shell of an Illyrian warrior who lost his wings for good. At first he hoped that he would be able to overcome it, even though he has never met an Illyrian with dysfunctional wings if he didn’t count the women who were raised to believe it was normal. It was different when that freedom was taken away from him after more than half a millennium. Everything was off balance, sometimes he even stumbled walking and even though he tried to play it off in front of everyone. Rhysand and Azriel knew. They knew it was only a matter of time before he would make the ultimate decision and he knew they wouldn’t try to talk him out of it. Had it been one of them, they would probably do the same.

When the day came, he made sure to spend it all laughing in the company of his friends. To exchange couple of looks and touches with Nesta. She would be okay, he assured himself, she would fight through it and come out the other end as a stronger person like always. Feyre looked at him almost as if she knew, but didn’t say a word. The warm compassion in her eyes calmed his soul and he knew everyone would be okay, that she would make sure of it. They all had couple of drinks but when the night came, the men got up and crossed the room towards the huge balcony. None of the ladies said anything as they watched Rhysand wrap one of his arms around Cassian’s waist and take him up into the sky, Azriel quickly following after them. 

They didn’t talk as they rose towards the stars, didn’t need to. The understanding for Cassian’s decision came from the bottom of their hearts and it wasn’t their place to try and change his mind. The only thing they could do was to make sure he didn’t feel alone and afraid. They were with him almost since the beginning and it only made sense they would stay with him until the very end. They would find each other again in the afterlife after all, where they would fly through the sky together once more. 

They flew higher, higher, higher, almost to the point where they started to feel a little dizzy. The lights of Velaris shone deep underneath and the stars above them as they shot through the deep, deep blue of the night sky and then they stopped mid-air. They were warriors and warriors didn’t cry, but more than that they were friends. Family. Tears streamed down their faces as they said their goodbyes full of love and respect for each other. Cassian expected fear to overtake him in those final moments, but instead he felt warm. Loved. At peace. 

And then he let go. 

He shot through the air straight towards the ground. He didn’t even try to expand his wings and fly, he focused his soul, body and mind on the feeling of the wind running through his hair. Smile curved his lips. One more moment of the ultimate freedom, that is how he decided to go. He felt infinite, part of everyone and everything as he closed his eyes and let another mind slip into his. It was mellow, kind and he wasn’t afraid when it ceased his entire being and gently erased him from the existence.


End file.
